Placing a premium on love and relationship has always been a mainstay for me and my living patterns. I’ve always had a companion since I was 5 years old. The rush of smelling the inside of someone’s nose during a wet kiss gave me my purpose, and my place in the world. And when that wasn’t there, I was lost. I sought it, almost as much as I sought out gods words, and the life of Jesus. I objectified the female gender, and looked for what they could give me. And I took, and I took, and I took. I used my words recklessly, and loved easy, and hard. Was willing to give up parts of myself, for all of them. I wanted all of their love, and was willing to do whatever I had to do in order to get it. Turned my back on friends, and my own integrity for the love of another. Turned my back on my own children, and it caused a deep rift between me and my eldest. Can I ever forgive myself for this atrocious way of seeking love, acceptance and the female embrace? It has always been a selfish pursuit, disguised in sacrifice. I put on the mask in order to attract the opposite sex. My peacock feathers were spirituality, intellect and talent. And I flaunted it for all the world to see. I believed in duality, polarity and the need and right for a partner to mirror my own self to myself. Running frompast, melting into my distractions. Surrendering to my beliefs. Belief in my own lack. Denying my own perfection. -JCM
